| (no subject) |
[Sep. 26th, 2009|02:24 am] |
The issues of loss are mostly embedded in the time of one losing their son or daughter, or mother or father. And every time I come across a feeling of someone losing their sibling...I don't know what is happening with my body. I feel my lungs clench up and wrestle for an ounce of breath, my nose can't let in any air, and my eyes, I can't see anything because before I know what I am even thinking my eyes only see the blur of the wall in front of me because that is the symbol of my life leading up to this point. I never saw my life with this person, I don't know what having a sister is even like. And every time that I attempt to understand the feeling of a love with a peer with my genes, I let go, run away, block calls, block messages, block memories, block the tremors of my childhood and how they have created the aftershocks of my present.
They are great. They are probably better people than I am and I ever will be. Let them. Let them prove to my parents, peers, and teachers that life is never defined by an equation. That a scholar can fall victim to his own strifes. That life is never in the reach of the smallest individual.
This is proof that life is indefinable. That our existence will never be understood and that my successes were never many nor fruitful.
And then I think of them. My father and his past wife. They have created so many boundaries and obstacles to detach me from them. I hear them every day. I hear my nephews. I hear the echoes of their cries from 18 years ago. And yet I feel that I am the one suffering. How egotistical. Where do we, as humans, as intellectuals, let the pain and hardships of a generation past deteriorate into a senseless matter of misunderstanding and narcissism?
I did not do anything as a child to push them away. Now I feel that I am that sea of distance.
If they were to die. I would fall apart. I would lie on my floor blaming myself for their position. If they got murdered, well I wasn't there to take the bullet. If they were in a car accident, well I was the one to lead them to take that last drink before they got in the car. If they took their own life, well, I would be one step behind them. Maybe I am so narcissistic that I would think that they feel as much as I do about this, I hope so, because I can't help but feel alone so much here that they would only know why I do feel this way. Why surrounded by 30 people can feel like the most hypocritical symbol of my life. Scream. Chant. Yell. Scream.
A third of myself is outside of this room.
That is the funniest thought right now.
Let them rejoice.
They won. |
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| Oh the lives I lead |
[Oct. 2nd, 2008|03:59 am] |
1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
Grayson needs the jobs a new prison could bring.
2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
Grayson...He looks like a self funder to me.
3. Type in "[your name] does" in Google Search"
Grayson does appear to have a really dark, aggressive side. It's odd that he actually got gay bashed that time while out cruising, although as the old saying goes, "You should've seen the other guy!" I don't think it's beyond belief that Grayson could kill.
4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
Grayson hates sex with Perdy doesn't he.
Grayson hates socks with seams too
5: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google search:
Grayson has gone so far undercover that this title has become completely disconnected from the rest of the DCU.
6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
Grayson loves his elmo.
7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
Grayson eats Mama's boobies!
8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
Grayson has so far, shown no signs that he has feelings for Paul. However, Paul isn't the only one who has his eye on Grayson.
9: Type in "[your name] died" in Google search:
After Grayson died, Maniac resumes his run around the two mile area, and finds two runaways.
10: Type in "[your name] won't" in Google Search:
Grayson won't be low-balled with a measly $8000.
11: Type in "[your name] can't" in Google Search:
grayson can't jump the fence, he has no claws
12: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:
Grayson wants me on drugs. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2008|02:00 am] |
So yes I am in New Orleans.
I got a job in the first week I got here as a bicycle delivery boy for a deli where most my friends work. Shockingly, I make enough money for rent and food and even extra to save. I also get to see plenty of hijinx, like a guy pissing himself in our store, high speed car chases, and boobs.
We have a cat, his name is Norman, and yes he is cool.
Bryyyan and I wrote a song today, and it was something that I actually enjoyed listening and playing to.
To the pleasure of many, I am regrowing my beard.
I met Dan Deacon.
No I have not seen Brad or Angelina, and I would gladly hug him and kick her in the shins.
And I have started reading a very interesting book, the Ramayana, which should please someone in particular...and she should call me soon. |
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| Fucking Harry Potter, Right? |
[Jul. 31st, 2007|12:21 am] |
Summer of Potter. I'm sure you all relished in the indulgence of
Hogwarts and wizardry this summer with the arrival of the next movie
and the final book.
Hot damn...nargles,sectumsempra and elder wands. Didn't you just
love it when Harry dove into that penseive and got to see Snape's
memories and learn about his torturous and brave past?
And those Horcruxes!
Holy crumple horned snorcack batman!
And never underestimate someone as brave Neville. I mean some people
just do what they have to do when it has to be done, right? And then
it's like, whoa man, fucking A you just killed a horcrux. Way to go
homeslice.
But then like Voldemort comes out with this dark wand shit...I mean
the fucker can fly without a broomstick?!?! Whatever happened to
Hornsby's fifth law of transfiguration stating that all anti-gravity
enchantments must be completed by a charm on a physical medium? I
mean levitating a tea cup is one thing but a whole body? That's like
complete wizard folklore, and it's still questionable if Nagenus
Phlanger ever existed! GAH!
I just couldn't stop reading you know? I was in my room for 38 hours
straight with 12 red bulls and 4 bags of Munchies, and I was about 550
pages into it, you know where they get back to Hogwarts for the big
battle (my nuts still tingle everytime I think of that moment)? And in
comes my mom, that cunt bitch, trying to do my laundry for this month and shit and it's like "Fuck off mom! This is the most important time of my life!"
Of course next to that time I got to feel up Shelly Singerman over
her blouse behind the gym before third period. That was totally
tits...literally.
Those who don't read just can't understand the monumental importance
and significance this story is to someone like me. My friend Keith,
who hasn't read a single page won't stop saying stuff like "Hey
fagboy, let that book go and I'll show you my sorcerer's stone." No
matter though, I read Barnaby's Guide to Retaliatory Potion Making and
placed a curse on him. HAHA! We'll see who will be laughing on the
next full moon, and I guarantee you it won't be the guy with the
Syphilus Dickus. Poor Keith, never mess with a fifth year wizard, I
mean come on!
Oh well. I guess this is the end of the story and "all is well" and
so am I. Now I can reread some much needed texts like "Magical Clothing and It's Everyday Applications". Two weeks ago I tried that "come suck it" charm on my boxer briefs with the golden snitches and haven't taken them off yet and it quite hasn't worked yet. But if the puffy redness is any sign of its potency, then whoa boy I am going to rock some witch off the casbah! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2007|03:59 pm] |
Every once and a while I feel like I'm missing out on something that everyone else is experiencing.
Then the resulting feelings make me feel unusual. I think I do bad things some times. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2007|05:03 pm] |
I feel that I have finally come to terms with my destiny...achieved who and what I really am.
I now have a mullett. Hence forth, I shall be known as Levi. Don't forget it. |
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| Free association |
[May. 27th, 2007|07:58 pm] |
Big bam on a wig wam
Aint no fun, if I lose it now.
Sideways glances lead to chances
never taken.
Hear me, I won't listen
to any voice in this head.....
........................................
.......soon to be discarded
the once and always parted.
The more familiar should be easier.
Unquenchable thirst for lifeless
eyes and tremerous lips.
Nothing sounds but my breath
And I've known that for far too long. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2007|07:58 am] |
The alarm clock sounds
Sobriety sets in as thoughts of yesterday remind me that I smoked too many cigarettes and made a fool of myself to many, but I helped more than them, but most of all I got help from even more.
I've walked away before with the assurance of a connection and a future.
Today, I wake up and choke on every little thing.
But as for her, I never meant to leave her with bitterness in her heart over me and any future others. It's really not all that bad...trust me for once.
I did not suck on you like a parasite.
I did not use your smile and body in jealousy for acceptance, for reinforcement.
To say so is the biggest insult.
Rather than retaliate, I forgive because that is all I know...
And besides, blindness is worse than anything I could possibly say in anger. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 30th, 2007|10:10 pm] |
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Pandora.com is the best new website I've heard of. Look into it, it has already introduced me to so much. It is basically an online music station where you create your own station and list your artists for that station, and then it will play anything it thinks is similar to what you had listed. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 30th, 2007|12:49 am] |
I wish sleeping was easier. I now sleep for 2 hours at a time twice a day, and I think it's because I like to have everything to myself for a while.
Kulveen and I are on great terms, finally, but the kind of friendship she expects from me is very difficult to fulfill. I was forced to talk about sex and boyfriends with Holly so quickly, but to talk willingly with Kulveen about it is much harder. I don't think anyone took me seriously when I said "It is going to take a long time" but it still feels fresh. I had/have a lot to look at before I consider anything and I question all those feelings and fears because I'm not sure where they came from or what role they will play later.
I still worry that I screwed up/lost something that could be great for me, but I can't blame anyone for what happened, especially myself.
Because of what I learned over break from a new friend and her ability to give me worth again, I think I might be losing a very serious friend. What makes me feel the worst is that she has no idea how she makes the people closest in her life feel worthless, small, used. She also does it so easily that she might not know how to stop manipulating.
I still do not know where I will be in 5 months. It is about 50 people trying to convince me not to move to New Orleans for every 1 who thinks it is a good idea. The best part is that everyone who has tried to convince me not to go hasn't been there since Katrina and every pers who thinks its a good idea has not only atleast lived there but spent time there since the hurricane. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2006|01:26 am] |
It's been a long time that I've looked on this thing, and honestly I'm writing this to avoid procrastinating with my homework and also because I can't get ahold of the person that I wish.
I've been in a state of discomfort ever since I went home, a week ago. I finally no longer feel it is home, shock, but more importantly I feel that I have been punishing myself for things that I can't help at all. I haven't been able to come up with a real logical reason for what I would be hurting myself, and it is disconcerting considering I've never had this behavior before and it is exactly what my father and sister did to themselves. I don't want to be them.
Alcohol has fueled me to hit things, thus hurting my hand and damaging columns.
"You only like this music because no one else likes it."
These kinds of things frustrate me.
There are two people in my life that have made me angrier than I can remember, and all I can do is go for a walk and talk to the river.
I even have wanted to vent this anger physically against people, but I go for that walk, talk to someone even if they can't hear, and I temporarily feel vindicated like what I am and think is worthwhile, understood, but more importanly appreciated.
I miss my best friend and I want |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 23rd, 2006|04:34 pm] |
Anybody remember Beowulf? Better than the Odyssey right?
Well Zemeckis is making it into a film, with Neil Gaiman as a writer.
Oh and as for the villain, Grendel, a creature that I've always pictured as a cross between a Gremlin and Swamp Thing....played by Crispin Glover.
Oh and watch "Clowny Clown Clown", you have to love this guy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2006|11:31 pm] |
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"And that is when I knew, that in a previous life, he was a long distance space pilot." - David Lynch on his cameraman for Eraserhead |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 7th, 2006|07:54 pm] |
I download more music in one day than I can listen to in a week.
I study rainbows and how they can describe liquids. I like it.
I have a big bed in a room with hardly anything in the room that just barely makes it feel like a comfort zone.
I live alone.
I've been smoking so many cigarettes that each one tastes like burning dirt.
I don't play music enough, considering we have a midi sampler in the house along with a drum set and many basses.
Brian Eno is a great person, and so is his brother Roger.
I am saving my parents money, and make 1000 on friday.
I started talking to myself again.
I have very vivid dreams, often disturbing or confusing, but more often than not they involve my fantasy of playing a set in front of people, which for some reason can involve fake blood, knives, and confetti. I think I want to be Iggy Pop.
New Orleans is a comforting thought that keeps me from abandoning things here. It's probably just the idea of school being over as well, all my steam ran out shortly after high school.
I think it's time to recede. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2006|02:19 am] |
All mixed up you don't know what to do
Next thing you turn around and find the person is you
Thought a freak might be the thing
But the first could be the last so just get off your ass
I've had this song in my head for 4 days straight, and I haven't even heard the fucker in over 5 years |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|03:06 pm] |
I have a busy schedule for the next 4 months, broken up with good times.
Finish school
around may 14/15 go to france and switzerland with mama
around may 23rd or 25th go back for a short visit to ft myers
june 6-8 go to maryland for the internship dealing with trapping and supercooling of rubidium atoms (much dough to be had)for 10 weeks
go back to ft myers for a few days in mid august
mid august go to honduras for diving trip with papa
come back to maryland
august 29/early september go to new york for US open with mama
then i come back here
I feel anxious already. The many changes will be a big difference for a summer.
Congratulations Rhonda for ending that 3 year ordeal, i hope.
Twin peaks (season2) makes me very happy, and why did no one tell me about david duchovny in it? But it is also the scariest thing I've seen in years. i can't watch it in the dark alone anymore, bob will get me. The gum you like will come back in style.
My hair has been cut, a lot. I now have cow licks, and look 15 again.
Kulveen's mother's response, "Oh Grayson, now you look like a boy."
I miss things. insignificant things, things that were forgotten or ignored. things that i only held or encountered for a few days. i miss these feelings that have been unused. i miss time. i miss time for feeling. i've recently come to a conclusion, and it's hard to settle with. but im empowered in the process. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|08:17 am] |
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I very much hope that the floating face in the Power Rangers lair is Frank Black. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 6th, 2006|04:24 pm] |
1st film, bread making
2nd film, adaptation of Lou Reed's short story adapted to song, "The Gift"
Oh am I excited |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2006|07:13 pm] |
To answer Dennis's question:
I am afraid that I have not taken the Matt Sanner ball busting approach yet. So no, I am not gay.
But he is. And if he says otherwise, we all know he just doesn't want to get beaten.
Sorry Matt, Ryan makes me laugh every time he says you are...
But we did spoon (meaning Matt and myself), oh did we spoon. He was the big spoon too.
As for Justin, the boy beaten and lobotomized, it occurred at Virginia Tech, and I heard from someone who was at the fight that apparently he was not beaten for being gay. So I apologize for broadcasting inaccurate information, I'm sorry Jesus.
He was assaulted for being at a frat party and about to leave while his chaperone, who was going to drive him and others elsewhere, was going upstairs to get something. He was punched in the nose, broken; in the lip, split; and uppercutted, fluids collected and pressure increased.
It didn't take much. Tae Kwon Do, I'm starting to believe now, ain't worth a lick of shit.
How come the fuck |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 1st, 2006|04:42 pm] |
Apparently during winter break, a kid from my school went to Virginia Tech to go to a frat party.
He was acting gay, and he was beaten. I know that Nick was assaulted for looking gay too, but, this kid has been disfigured.
He had to have a lobotomy because there was too much pressure in the skull.
He will remain a vegetable for acting like a fruit.
This was all brought to my attention after learning more about Matthew Shepard in my documentary class, and then I think about that day when Dennis, and most likely myself as well, were almost beaten for being gay as well. I think of what would have happened if my mother had hit one more red light, or had decided to stop to get gas.
I don't see things getting better. |
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